Speakling of old, the big story today is the pairing of Paul Tracy and AJ Foyt as driver and owner, not only because these are two of the most surly, err, self-assured drivers in racing history but also because they are a combined 114 years old. And no - the #14 is still sponsored by race sponsor ABC Supply Co and not Metamucil. Opportunity lost.
I have a confession to make: I'm hoping Paul Tracy wins today. There, I said it. Black is white, up is down, and I'm rooting for Paul Tracy. Fact is he's won here four times and AJ Foyt's team hasn't won since...I don't even remember, to be honest. Tracy has raced VERY well in two IndyCar races in the last 12 months, and...OK, I'm officially insane.
A big note for today's race is that last week's winner Helio Castroneves will be starting from the back today after crashing during yesterday's qualification attempt. Should be fun to see him march up the field in attempt to go from last to first like he most recently did in the season finale in Chicagoland last year. Yes, this Helio guy is pretty good.
We've got five different teams making up the first five starting psotion, so this will be a great chance for someone to break the Big Three grip on ovals. And with all of that, it's time to start.
0: Hey, that looks like a good crowd! Must be the $50 seats allowing all you can eat Famous Dave's BBQ and all you can guzzle beer.
0: Dario has an fugly green car, sponsored by a GPS manufacturer. On a one mile oval. Go figure.
0: AJ Foyt tells them... *crickets chirping*. No audio for the "start your engines". FAIL.
0: And look here, it's a split screen with an isolated Helio-cam. Feel the excitement.
1: And we're GREEN. Wiuthin one lap Tony Kanaan has ROCKETED to the front. Much less drag now that he's shaved his head.
3: We're 3 laps in and we're already checking in with Danica - in 9th. Ye gods!
5: Tomas Scheckter has already gone from 10th to 5th, and even more surprising is ESPN is putting him on screen.
10: Kanaan, Briscoe, Rahal, Dixon, Dario. Helio only up from 20th to 17th. And now that we've raced 10 laps we need to go to commercial. WTF?
17: And we're back. And Helio is in 18th. Being told "use your tools". Please drink responsibly, friends.
21: Paul Tracy is in last, and is getting lapped. I accept full responsibility for this since I was saying I hoped he won. Let me know who you want me to jinx next week.
26: Briscoe and Dixon - who I guess got around Graham - both go around race leader Tony Kanaan. Well, I guess I should say FORMER race leader.
29: And here's another commercial
36: And we're back. 14 laps of commercials in the first 36. So glad I tuned in to watch.
39: Ryan Briscoe is right behind his teammate, Helio Castroneves, contemplating lapping him. Decisions, decision. Meanwhile Tony Kanaan has dropped back to 9th. He was leading this race 13 laps ago.
42: Vince Welch tells us they're trying to get Tony to "work with his tools".
48: It's Briscoe, Dixon, Franchitti, Rahal, Mutoh. Yes, I said Mutoh. Helio is still at the tail end of the lead lap. And now - another commercial.
53: We interrupt this commercial break to bring you racing action.
57: YELLOW as Mike Conway has gone into the wall. He's performed this maneuver in nearly every race this year. Gave Dan Wheldon a ton of room to pass him underneath and just drifted up. Meanwhile, Helio gets a HUGE break.
59: Free ethanol in the pits and everyone is in, everyone is out...except Helio. He's stalled it in the pits so he's still the last car on the lead lap. Say, who's up for another commercial break?
62: And we're back. Your leaders are still Briscoe, Dixon, Franchitti, Rahal, Mutoh.
63: Marty Reid just "oh, by the way" mentioned that EJ Viso is still on pit road, but, hey, let's go for ANOTHER commercial break.
67: Back to THE Milwaukee mile. Marty Reid says Danica passes Hideki Mutoh on the restart but actually she was going around Rapahel Matos. You say Tah-Mutoh, I say Tah-Matos.
75: 14 cars left on the lead lap. Ryan Hunter-Reay is 14th, with Helio just ahead of him.
78: Paul Tracy is now 2 laps down. Somewhere Vitor Meira is quietly chuckling.
83: EJ Viso is getting lapped by Ryan Briscoe, which is probably OK with EJ since even though he's a dozen laps down he's just happy to be here. Seriously, his car hasn't been able to finish a race all year. We could talk about this more but it's time for another commercial.
89: Welcome back to actual racing action, or in this case Ryan Briscoe running away from everyone in an attempt to win back-to-back race at THE Milwuakee Mile.
100: Still Briscoe, Dixon, Franchitti, Rahal, Mutoh, and Briscoe is once again closing on Helio. Ryan still hasn't lapped his teammate today.
107: Less passing. More commercials.
110: On the side-by-side we see with Dixon breathing down his neck Briscoe finally laps Helio. We also see about the umteenth ad for that "Wipeout" show.
114: And we're back, and although he's been lapped by his teammate, Helio has not been passed by Scott Dixon. Racing like a fiend despite being a lap down. I'm sure he's getting blue-flagged for that, and I'm equally sure he'll ignore that command.
128: You've missed nothing, although cars are now starting to make green-flag pit stops. I'm shocked we didn't have another commercial break, though.
133: Ryan Briscoe pits, and Scott Dixon - fuel miser that he is - takes the lead. I tell ya, you haven't lived until you've seen Dixon drive in fuel mapping position 4.
135: Tony Kanaan pits and there's a bunch of smoke coming from his car, and where there's smoke there's fire. Fire up the Car-Be-Cue. Kanaan gets help climbing out as his day is done.
140: After all of the pit stops it's Dario now in the lead, followed by Briscoe, Dixon, Rahal, and Matos. Time for another commercial break.
147: And we're back, but not before P3 has started a puzzle, P1 has nearly nodded off, and P2 has gone into the other room to see what's going on in the N-Word race. Between the lack of passing and all of the commercials a malaise has set in.
154: Wake up, everyone! Briscoe goes under Franchitti to take the lead and Scott Dixon jumps in to make it nearly three-wide. Much "defending" on Ryan's part, but since he's not Helio he won't get a black flag from the
156: Wow, and exciting battle for the lead - so let's check in with Danica in 6th.
158: Thanks, Danica. Let's have another commercial break.
160: Side-by-side shows a yellow flag. For what...?
163: Commercial break has ended, and we are told the caution is for debris on the track. Looks like a giant street sweeper has joined the field.
165: Final pit stop for the race leaders and...the first six hold their position from pit entry. Briscoe, Dixon, Franchitti, Rahal, Matos, Danica. AGR teammates Marco and Mutoh right behind Bunnies & Rainbows.
171: Still yellow. Still sweeping marbles I suppose.
172: FINALLY back to green...wait...nevermind. Wave that off.
173: GREEN - and this time we mean it. By then end of the lap the fron three already pulling away.
175: Marco is moving up, going around Matos to take 5th.
178: As Marco sets his sights on Graham Rahal for 4th Marty Reid says "Let's go back and check in with the race leaders because nothing has changed up front..." For real. And look - more ads.
186: And we're back. And I'm annoyed. Sorry freinds, but this is just a horrendous broadcast today.
189: Marco is reminded to "keep using your tools". But we can't show him running more than a lap before checking in with Danica, who I should point out is behind him.
191: Looks like Viso has pancaked the wall and is coming into the pits for what looks to be another DNF. What aforgettable year this is turning out to be for EJ.
196: Marty tells us Viso is out for the day and "it's been a tough year for that team". I wonder if he even knows the team name. No matter - more commercials!
202: Back again, but not before Scott Dixon has now taken the lead. Meanwhile Danica is in 5th and Marco is in 7th. There's passing here today - we're just not seeing it.
208: Here are replays of Danica and Matos going around Marco. Marco is being told to "use your tools". I'm starting to think these pit reporters may have teleprompters.
214: 11 laps to go and P1 and P3 have been bored to the point of sleep by this broadcast. P2 is still watching the N-word race. This is unprecedented in our household.
219: Dixon has pulled way ahead but Dario is challenging Briscoe for 2nd. Try to act thrilled.
220: Graham Rahal - who's been running in FOURTH all day - finally gets some air time.
224: White flag for Dixon. Come sweet slumber, enshroud me in thy purple cloak.
225: Checkered flag for Dixon, his second win of the year and his 18th total in the IndyCar series. One behind Sam Hornish Jr, who I believe is racing on the TV in the other room. Briscoe, Dario, Rahal, Danica. Bunnies & Rainbows is racking up the Top 5s this year.
I'd congratulate some others but we have to go to YET ANOTHER commercial break before Scott Dixon climbs out of his car in Victory Lane. I'm not kidding.
Let's total the laps shown:
0-10 (10 laps), then a commercial break
17-29 (12), than another break
36-48 (12), than another break
53-59 (6), than another break
62-63 (1), than another break
67-83 (16), than another break
89-107 (18), than another break
114-140 (26), than another break
147-158 (11), than another break
163-178 (15), than another break
186-196 (10), than another break
202-225 (23), than another break
...plus another break between the checkered flag and the the Victory Lane interview.
A grand total of 12 commercial breaks that resulted in only 160 of 225 laps being shown. 65 laps of mindless ads for "Wipeout". I'm turning this TV off before I'm subjected to any more of these ads, because I'm already requiring another adult beverage - STAT.
That's it for me, friends. I've had enough of this ABC Programing Special, sponsored by the IndyCar series. Thanks for bearing with me today, and good night.