Welcome to Canada, where for the first time ever the IndyCar series takes to the streets of Toronto. Justin Wilson will try to win back-to-back races, Penske and Ganassi will try to make up for not winning a race in 2009, and Alex Tagliani will just try to get on the telecast.
For those unfamiliar with the capital of Ontario, Toronto is Home to the storied Maple Leafs professional hockey team as well as the Hockey Hall of Fame. The Maple Leafs though are worth mentioning because they haven't won the NHL's Stanley Cup since 1967, a fact I mention with brutal honesty because a certain Canadian is trying to take my own futile NHL franchise. Two minutes for Instigating,
Mr Balsillie.
As for the racing, today's drivers to watch will be Graham Rahal (starting 3rd) and Robert Doornbos (7th). The N/H/L team has won seven previous times with 16 podiums in 23 races in Toronto, and with stats like that I'm starting to doubt my picks in the
TSO Fantasy League.
At any rate, it's time to start.
0: Holy plateful of poutine, it looks like the entire population of Canada has signed Paul Tracy's uniform.
0: Will Power in the house, starting 2nd in that very fetching yellow and blue machine.
0: Helio was pretty upset during qualifying, feeling like Scott Dixon held him up. "I'm like, dude! Keep going!" Helio, channeling his inner Keanu Reeves, will start back in 10th today.
0: Get your red tires and blue tires ready, because we're about get this party started Canadian style.
1: We are GREEN! Just as the flag waves Will Power pulls of into the runoff. After about a minute the broadcast team realizes one of the drivers in the front row is missing. Send out recon!
2: Vince Welch FINALLY says Will got a cut tire for some other car. Has to pit so he'll drop to the back. Worst part is Will just got one lap out of a precious set of Red tires.
3: Leaders are Dario, Tagliani(!), Doornbos, Dixon, Conway. Graham Rahal had to pit as well with nose damage. Wanna guess who hit Will Power?
7: Seven of 85 laps down and we are lock stepping all over the place.
8: YELLOW! Dan Wheldon has spun and is stalled on the track. Tried to share the space with Richard Antinucci and that never works out. Wheldon's car is a different shade of camouflage this weekend, a color scheme I will call "Vomitoria".
9: Speaking of color schemes, Mike Conway is in blue with green trim this weekend. Ed Carpenter is in a grey and orange livery, Tony Kanaan is in baby blue and white, and Marco is in black with blue trim. Ironically, Dario Franchitti is actually in a red Target car.
12: Back to green, and within a few turns Scott Dixon has gotten around Doorknobs for third.
12: ...and back to YELLOW as Ed Carpenter has spun on the course. Oh, this is going to be a long day.
13: How shall we pass the time today? I know - I'll pass along some "1st draft movie lines" from the amazing
Ken Tremndous, formerly of "Fire Joe Morgan" fame.
14: "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya. Are you interested in taking a free stress test?"
15: Back to GREEN, and when you weren't looking Paul Tracy is up to sixth.
15: Both Conway and Tracy go around Doorknobs. Maybe this won't be another epic day for N/H/L after all.
16: "Life is like a box of random objects, varying in size, shape, and material. You never know what you're going to get."
17: Justin Wilson has vanished to 13th. Ryan Briscoe is back in 18th. At a street race? My reality is altered.
18: "I could've been somebody. I could've been a contender. Instead of a nurse practitioner, which is what I am."
19: I bet Will Power is having some great battling for position right now while we watch the leaders go round and round. Guess I'll never know.
21: "1.21 jiggawatts?! The only thing that could create that much energy would be...the power of dance."
22: Dario Franchitti has pulled ahead by over 3 seconds over Alex Tagliani.
23: "The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was when he put a handkerchief in his fist and he opened it and it was gone."
24: Vince tells us "Tomas says the car has had a very sensitive rear end". Don't we all?
25: Pit stops starting for race leaders. Dario first, and OOPSIE! It's the rerutn of the Ganassi Pit Circus. A problem with the right-rear tire costs him a few extra seconds.
26: I guess the other leaders are staying out. Tagliani leads! Dixon, Conway, Tracy and Moraes follow along. Meanwhile, Ed Carpenter has gone off course and once again will require assistance.
30: Dixon peels off for a standard pit servicing. Taglinai and Tracy - two Canadians - are now battling for the lead in Toronto. Is David Stern running the IRL now?
31: Will Power is up to 10th. Would have been nice to see how that happened.
32: Tracy pits. No issues.
33: Tracy back on the track, battling Mick Conway. ISSUES! Tracy gets around Mike but Conway appears to have a tire go down and BAM he slaps the wall hard. It's just not an IndyCar race unless Mike Conway's car gets up close and personal with the wall. No caution flag as Conway's car limps back towards the pits.
34: Tagliani finally pits. Leaders are now Moraes, Scheckter, Matos, Helio, Power. Power is back up to 5th and we haven't seen a single bit of it.
39: Joe Jonas pits. Tomas Scheckter leads on a street course. Really? Maybe there's something to that MonaVie stuff after all.
41: Will Power is up to third and HOORAY we get to watch him racing.
42: Scheckter pits. Revolving race leadership is now Helio, Power, Ryan Hunter-Reay, Tagliani, Wilson. I'm so confused.
43: Will Power peels off. BAD pit stop as the air gun gets stuck to the front-right tire. So much for Penske Perfect.
46: Marty says "We've learned that Richard Antinucci's car has been taken behind the wall". Sounds like they're going to put it down. About time.
47: Danica "foot cam".
48: Helio pits and hands the lead back to Alex Tagliani. Alex, Tracy, Dixon, Moraes, Dario now lead the way.
55: Battle for fourth shown. Televised contest for position - what a concept. Dario is all up on Moraes and...they cut away. Is there a rule that we're not allowed to see any actual passing?
57: Paul Tracy pits for the last time today, getting a fresh set of Reds.
59: YELLOW! Rahal in the ray-wall. Looks like this time it might be Ed Carpenter's fault, as the grey and orange car let two cars by but probably didn't see the third (Graham).
59: Dario was in the pits when the yellow came out but he's okey doke. Still gets to make his stop without having to drive through and come back again. I thought that was a no-no, but perhaps these rules are open to interpretation.
60: Everyone's going to make their final pit stops - except Dario, Tracy and maybe some others.
63: Back to green, and Helio is you leader with Dario and Tracy right behind him.
63: Passing! Danica around Hideki Mutoh. Then a few more around Mutoh. Even the now notorious Ed Carpenter.
65: Dario around Helio in a televised pass for the lead! Excuse me - I need to take a drink.
66: Drama alert! Tracy tries to get around Helio for second. Pulls alongside Helio going two-wide through the turns, they touch, then BAM Helio puts Paul into the wall! Day OVER! Oh, of all the people to take out Paul...
66: Helio pulls to the pits, gets out of his car, and get some serious catcalls and booing from the Canadian crowd.
67: Helio says "Honestly, I need to see the replay. He would be the last guy I'd want to take out in Canada." Apologizes to Canadian fans. Replay looks a lot like Helio squeezed him into the wall after they bumped tires.
68: Paul calmly says "I think it was a racing deal." Is it wrong that I was hoping for a little animosity leading to an epic throwdown? If it is, please forgive me.
69: Leaders are Dario, Briscoe, Wilson, Power. I think I have these four on my TSO fantasy team this week, so bully for me!
70: Back to green and Tony Kanaan has damage from some incident we may never see. Looks like it might be the end of the day for him as his car rolls towards the pits.
71: Will Power, Street Thug, goes around Wilson for third. They need to play the theme from "Jaws" whenever they show Will today.
72: Mario Moraes punts EJ Viso into the tire barrier for a local yellow. Ed Carpenter would be glad to learn it's now officially an IndyCar race.
74: YELLOW as there's a parking lot in Turn three. Scheckter, Tags and Moraes tried to go three wide on a street course, and that NEVER works. No violent contact but ther might be some damage to Scheckters front from tapping the tire barrier.
75: Tagliani has a broken front wing. Tomas stands on the track and unleashes the patented Scheckter glove throw at Alex as he goes by. I think Scheckter wants to shove that wing up Tagliani's backside right about now.
77: Dario, Briscoe, Power, Wilson, Dixon lead the field towards conclusion.
78: Marty Reid just confused Tagliani's white car with Viso's dark grey car. Can we get a sobriety test in the broadcast booth?
79: Dixon around Justin Wilson for fourth. Now he's closing in on Will Power.
80: Scheckter says Alex mad a "non-brain move" when he punted him in that three-wide accident. That's a new one.
81: Unless Dixon can get around Power we may be done with passing.
83: One last one from Ken Tremendous: "You take the blue pill, you wake up and believe whatever... No -- wait, that's the red pill. I think. S**t. Let me call my guy."
84: White flag for Dario. Ganassi, Penske, Penske, Ganassi - even on a street course.
85: Checkers for Dario for his second win on a street course this year! And now...cue the Ashley Judd hat cam!
This week with Ashley: "I'm a bit of a texting fiend...went to the port-a-potty...whatever is gonna happen is gonna happen...he loves to work Toronto...so special to win in Canada...more podiums than Montoya (in 1999)...a win is huge." There's no other moment in sports comparable with a post race interview with Ashley.
HOLY BLOOD-THIRSTY VENGEANCE, BATMAN! Replay shows after the race Moraes pulling alongside EJ Viso and colliding with him, wrecking both cars. Double-U-Tee-Eff, Mario?
Mario says: "I was trying to overtake Viso and he was blocking everyone on the track...he broke my front wing...after the checkered flag he saw me, closed the door, broke my car."
EJ says: "He just hit me once and I got a puncture...didn't respect my line and he just hit me...the second one was the most idiot one...I was opening my visor I was drinking water ant he hit me in the back. I don't know what he was thinking about, I don't know if he didn't see the checkered flag or what...he needs to go to the doctor's."
After further review, that's ALL on Mario. In car camera shows EJ had lifted his visor right before Mario drilled him. I can't believe EJ was thinking about any shenanigans at that point. Time to send Mario to the corner of the Pagoda and make him keep his nose to the wall for a few hours.
Helio v Tracy, Scheckter v Tagliani, Moraes v Viso - what's with all the rage today? Two words:
Blame Canada. Try to drive home sefely folks, especially if you're near the streets of fury in Toronto.
Congrats to Dario and all the other competitors who managed to not make any enemies today, especially Ryan Briscoe who finishes second YET AGAIN. He's as predictable as the sun rising. Should be one giant lovefest for the next race in Edmonton. Thank you all very much (especially the folks who are already lighting up the Comments section) and good night!