The Blame Game

By now regular readers (as well as unleaded ones) know that the official stance of the My Name Is IRL site is decidedly against the concept of The Merger. I get the impression this puts me in the minority, so if you yourself are of the mind that the IRL should combine it’s operations with a fiscally insolvent and otherwise incompatible product, and if you somehow foresee a resulting increase in value from merging with a series that has spent much of this decade pouring money into exemplifying the lack of demand for racing comprised of unknown foreign ride-buyers driving on road and street courses, then more power to you.

Understand thought that this would make you a Eunuch of Unification, although I still love you, regardless. We can hug it out.

Of course you would not be alone as the company of Eunuchs includes many beat writers who continue to lead the cry of unification, such as John Oreovicz of ESPN.com. With little or no news happening Oreo has fallen back on the old standard of lamenting that open-wheel is held hostage, listing the 11 “culprits” responsible for this interminable split. Now this may be shocking, but a former CART reporter like Oreo doesn’t exactly lay the blame equally at the feet of both CCWS and the IRL. Here’s his quantitative breakdown of those responsible for the separatism.

F1: 1 (#8)
CCWS: 2 (#4, #11)
N-Word: 2 (#5, #9)
IRL: 6 (#1, #2, #3, #6,# 7, #10)

OK, then. Evil IndyCar people. Six out of eleven. Got it.

Well, two can play at this game so how about I give Oreo the sincerest form of flattery by imitating his list with one of my own. While Oreo’s is slanted towards the poor-pitifully-oppressed-Champ-Car-series opinion, mine is of a different nature. Namely, that of the would-that-other-series-please-go-away-so-the-IRL-can-strengthen-it’s-own-product variety. So here are my 11 culprits for perpetuating a split that actually doesn’t bother me one bit.

11. John Oreovicz – So long as he continues to write articles of lamentation (what – you thought this was his first such article?) that Champ Car and the Indy Racing League should hold hands and sing “Kumbaya”, Oreo becomes the equivalent of the band leader on the deck of the Titanic. John, there are plenty of IRL rafts. Feel free to jump before the other ship completely sinks. Again.

10. Paul Tracy – If the PT Barnum show hadn’t manifested itself in conflicts with fellow Champ Car competitors both on and off the track, race fans would have no reason to avoid sleeping during the CCWS broadcasts. If Tracy were just a little less interesting there would in fact be no viewers for that other series other than our good buddy pressdog.

9. Marco Andretti – Oreo can hold Marco’s dad accountable in his list, but this merger nonsense is even less urgent when Andretti 3.0 not only nearly wins the Indy 500 in his first try, but later goes on to become the youngest winner of a top-tier open wheel event in the US at Infineon last year. (Please withhold your Bryan Herta jokes for the time being.) Now the IRL has a young American driver from a famous family who is becoming a formidable racer for a top team, while Champ Car has…

8. Graham Rahal – His father won the Indianapolis 500 and owns an IndyCar series team, so of course Graham races in the CCWS. He’s a fine young driver, but despite racing for the only Champ Car team with any money his debut season ended with zero wins and but 4 podium finishes in 14 races. Oddly enough RLR has but one car this year and is sending out press releases regarding Graham’s non-CCWS ventures. Hmm.

7. George W Bush – From what I’ve read he’s to blame for everything wrong in the world today, so you can’t have a list of blame of any kind without including him, right? Instead of invading Afghanistan and Iraq he could have stayed focused on more pressing domestic matters like the state of open-wheel racing. Come on – America first, George!

6. Paul Page – The man who in my childhood was The Voice of The 500 took a stand when the Indy Racing League formed – against the IRL. After a few years broadcasting CART races Page tried to jump ship, but his over-the-top shtick didn’t stick anymore. Now he’s calling dragsters and street luge. Seriously. Flipping through the channels the other day I was certain I heard him doing competitive eating contests as well.

5. Sebastien Bourdais – Being awesome has it’s advantages, but when you are so awesome as to win nearly every other race you pretty much maximize the boredom factor of your series. He leaves the CCWS with four straight championships but a lot less in winnings than his IRL counterparts like Scott Dixon or Tony Kanaan, although he should be comforted in knowing he was one of a handful of CCWS drivers who got paid at all.

4. Robin Miller – After years of pimping the remains of CART and slamming Tony George, Robin has now taken to slamming both series - while covering their races, of course. His passion is unquestionable, his appeal is undeniable, his reports are unverifiable, and he makes a Champ Car fan like Oreo look downright diplomatic.

3. Paul Newman – My mother always says “When you hate, the only person you hurt is yourself.” Newman would be Exhibit A. Love the salad dressing, like the movies, hate strongly dislike the fact that despite being such a huge racing fan he’s so filed with Tony George Derangement Syndrome he won’t ever come back to Indy. No one wants to see you die a bitter man, Paul.

2. Judge Frank J. Otte – In 2004 the good judge decided that despite having the higher bid for the remains of CART, Tony George’s offer for purchase would be disallowed in favor of the lesser one from OWRS partners. George was reportedly offering $13.5M for the rights to selected races, while OWRS – comprised of three team owners – ended up paying $3.2M for the entire series. And at that price for a debt-ridden, cash-bleeding, race-cancelling mess of a series, it’s been a total bargain. For Tony George.

1. Danica Patrick – Had the raven-haired beauty not had those, uh, interesting pictures taken, and had she not held it together enough to get herself in the lead of the Indianapolis 500 with but a handful of laps to go, and had she not consequently appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated...well, there might have been a sound fiscal argument for merger, right? What’s done is done, and her popularity has made the need for unification rather irrelevant. Rather like these kinds of silly lists.