Liquidation Station

Oreo has added his two cents to the unification sensation sweeping the nation, providing us with the following observation.

Ironically, the four-year history of the limited liability corporation Kalkhoven and Forsythe set up to manage the Champ Car series may end in the same place it was started: federal bankruptcy court. Insiders said they believe Champ Car is considering an emergency liquidation in an effort to pave the way for the IRL to take over as the sole sanctioning body in American open-wheel racing.

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After further investigation involving many unnamed "insiders", My Name Is IRL can now confirm that this is indeed the case. In fact, a hastily assembled video providing for this liquidation of the remaining CCWS assets has been produced to be shown on QVC in a one-hour, tape-delayed broadcast in the very near future. Here is a partial transcript.

RB: Hi folks, Rick Benjamin here along with Jon Beekhuis, welcoming you to the very special Champ Car Unification Liquidation Auction.

JB: Rick it’s great to be here amid some great Champ Car memories. All proceeds from the sales today will be going to some incredible charities, and with any luck will be able to scrape together some money for ourselves.

RB: Let’s start off the show with something special, Jon. It’s a collection of photo submissions from aspiring Grid Girls from around the world. All I can say is Wow!

JB: Submissions, indeed Rick. We don’t have a lot of time so let’s point out this stack of unpaid invoices, all featuring the genuine Champ Car logo. Take some of the babies home and frame them for posterity, or if you like you can actually try to collect on them. Hey, who doesn’t enjoy a good scavenger hunt, right?

RB: Of course! Right next to the paperwork is Paul Tracy’s famous “Nacho Libre” costume. Come on folks, Halloween is just around the corner, and what would be spookier than racing wrestler, or a wrestlin’ racer, or…well, how about maybe just bidding on this pair of glasses left behind by Sebastien Bourdais?

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JB: Hey look, here’s an autographed VHS tape of everyone’s favorite racing movie - “Driven”!

RB: Autographed by whom, Jon?

JB: Looks like none other than Chip Ganassi! There's a blast from the past.

RB: Well, it's all gotta go, including this beautiful bottle containing, what’s this say? “Newman’s Own Bitterness”. Folks remember, all proceeds go to charity.

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JB: Check out this bucket here. It contains every single remnant from Katherine Legge’s Wild Ride at Road America in 2006, save Ms Legge herself of course. And speaking of Road America, over here’s a deer head. What is that, an 8-point?

RB: I have no idea. Now look over here, friends. Here’s a personally autographed picture by Mrs Doubtfire herself, Mr Robin Williams...oh, wait. This says “Kevin Kalkhoven”. Nevermind.

JB: Now if we look in this closet here friends we can see that this auction will include every single racing uniform ever worn by Oriol Servia. We’ve got Dale Coyne Racing, Newman Haas, Patrick Racing, PKV, Walker, Conquest, Forsythe, PPI…wow, you could form your own series with this Spaniard’s wardrobe!

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RB: And for the ladies, here’s some locks of Nelson Phillipe’s hair. Not sure how that ended up here.

JB: Rick, how about this life-size cutout of Michelle Beisner? Hang on – it IS Michele Beisner! Michelle, what are you doing here?

MB: Just helping the cause boys! I’m here to present the feature item.

RB: Hey – is it Robin Miller’s hard card? Oh, what race fan wouldn’t want to hang that on the old Christmas Tree this year?

MB: That’s certainly a worthy item, but here’s something you don’t see everyday – a fully completed DP01! This is the actual prototype folks, not the low-rent, low-budget version that was actually used in Champ Car races. No sir, this right here is a thing of American-made beauty. Auto show only folks, you wouldn’t want to actually drive the thing – you know what I’m saying?

RB: Friends, we’ve got all sorts of memorobilia from four unbelievable years of Champ Car racing. Hundreds of DP01 nose cones, thousands of hero cards from anonymous drivers, a huge stack of “Arizona Grand Prix” merchandise - you name your price and it's yours.

JB: You can even have my own personal copy of Derek Daly’s Great Big Book of Irish Colloquialisms!

RB: Hold on to your Hollyhocks, because it’s all got to go in the name of “unification” and bidding for every item starts at just a buck. Proceeds benefit the Champ Car Wayward Debtor’s Foundation, as well as the Ronald McDonald House. Because unification isn't just a buzzword – it’s for the kids.