My Name Is Hurl

Posted by Iannucci | 8/13/2006 | 5 comments »
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It's the day of the Danica! 300 featuring The Fisher Queen (literally, to her right in Row 6), so what else can be said? Exactly. In lieu of this revelation, it's time to crank up the entertainment value a few notches.

Here's the deal: after reading months of alcohol-fueled reports from our pal MoneyCJ, it has become all to evident that he has a drinking problem. Now, it's not that he drinks too much - hey, he can still write - but rather he doesn't have the proper grasp of how and when to drink while watching the Wonderful World of Indy Racing on TV.

And as anyone knows, you can't have good TV without a corresponding drinking game.

So in an effort to help CJ and others like him, I offer to you the first draft of the Unofficial IRL Drinking Game, a.k.a. "My Name Is Hurl" or "I Am Tipsy" or "Drinking and Driving" or whatever. I didn't exactly come down from the mountain with this list, so please add your suggestions in the Comments section. Remember, this list is for CJ but it belongs to all of us.

Note you don't have to actually consume an alcoholic beverage, but there is one rule: no drinking for accidents - this isn't the NASCAR game.

1 Drink
Drink term: Any military word (i.e. "War", "Battle" or "Gunning")
Name Drop: Tony George
Mirror Man's winless streak is mentioned
Another driver is asked about Danica! or Fisher Queen
Arute mentions something someone told him before the race
Old No 2 mentions "how we do it in a stock car"
Mario Andretti is shown*

2 Drinks
Drink term: "Marbles"
Name Drop: Brian Barnhart
Well Done flips someone off
Mr Judd complains about blocking
On-Air Expletive
Vision Racing co-owner Patrick Dempsey is mentioned
Arute uses the cutaway car
AJ Foyt is shown*

3 Drinks
Drink term: "Halfshaft"
Name Drop: Tony Stewart
Any Andretti other than Mario smiles
Someone refuses to be interviewed by Big Jamie Little
Scott Goodyear makes a joke
Arute is seen with Big Jamie Little or Dr. Punch
Dr Punch discusses an injury or medical condition
Rick Mears is shown*

Finish the Bottle
Drink term: "Catfight"
Name Drop: PJ Chesson
Roger Penske smiles
Invisible Man is interviewed
Danica! mentions "Argent"
Any Unser is shown* (if only because they would drink for you)
Actual debris is visible during a "debris" Yellow Flag**

Empty the Bar
Drink term: "Mindy"
Name drop: Willy T Ribbs
Marty Roth finishes on the lead lap
Any IRL Blog is mentioned on air
Anyone gets their first career IndyCar win

*Double the quantity if they are wearing a visibly obvious lanyard with a Pit Pass. Could someone please explain WHY these legends need ID at a race track? I mean, come on!

**In college, the drinking game with my roommate was anytime then-commentator Bobby Unser said "debris" - Bobby never let us down.

5 comments

  1. Joe // August 13, 2006 5:38 AM  

    Could someone please explain WHY these legends need ID at a race track?

    Track security isn't hired for their knowledge of racing legends.

  2. pressdog // August 13, 2006 5:49 AM  

    Dude, with this game you'd be hammered by lap 1, turn four. I love drinking hard if Danica says "Argent." Never heard her say it once. She'll better say "Motorola" in her sleep next year. More ideas: One drink every time Rusty says "I tell ya what ..." One drink every time Marty says "lock step." Two drinks if anyone else says "lock step" (last race that rule alone would have been enough to get you twisted with TEN lock-step references.) One drink for "dirty air." Slam round whenever The Root says something that nobody can really translate into English.

  3. Amy // August 13, 2006 5:24 PM  

    "Marty Roth finishes on the lead lap." LMAO!

  4. mp webber // August 20, 2006 12:45 PM  

    Expanding on what "Joe" said (and he is correct), I know that at Long Beach, because the race is held on city property, the event organizers must use municiple guidelines for hiring event staff. This means unions. Because (as far as I'm aware) there is no International Fraternal Brotherhood of Corner Workers and Gate Control Workers, the organizers are forced to use whatever union is available. Most of these guys wouldn't know Mario Andretti from Marie Antoinette.

  5. mp webber // August 20, 2006 12:54 PM  

    For "Empty the Bottle, Any Unser is shown," do mugshots count?