Still dancing with Helio

It’s another Dances With Helio kind of Monday again, and after the Cheater Girl was shockingly sent home last week our own beloved Happy Feet has now bested half of the field with but a handful of weeks remaining. After exchanging sobbing “I Love You”s with her dance partner last week, Sabrina looks to be the early favorite to capture the “Sleeping With the Stars award”.


Being a newbie to watching this dancing thing, I had no idea this was not a dancing show. No friends, it’s a popularity show, and after seeing Helio hobble around on a bruised knee the first week it’s clear the way to gain the maximum popularity is by garnering sympathy with the television audience.

Check the list of “reasons to pity me” the other finalists have displayed:

Old Spice – Scary Mel had a cold a few weeks ago, and now she’s battling an eye infection. She’ll probably have diverticulitis this week, so count your lucky stars you aren’t her healthcare provider.

Dr Quinn – Jane Seymour missed the elimination episode last week due to “food poisoning”. Plus she’s older than dirt, which means the judges are incessantly tripping over themselves to see who can call her “classy” the most times.

Humpy – While Cameron has no obvious injuries, he has subtly reminded everyone how nice his wife is for letting him dry-hump his “partner” every week. Plus, how can you not take pity on a guy who dances with a woman who’s wardrobe is straight outta Cher’s garage sale?

90210 – Jennie Garth tripped and fell in the opening weeks, but she’s really played up the angle about how she’s been FORCED to neglect her kids while dancing with a teenage boy for 8-10 hours a day. The horror, the horror.

Grandma Osmond – The pity champ thusfar, Marie fainted on LIVE television. Dropped to the floor with a thud, I tell ya. This can only be trumped by saving a child from a burning building or dying. Or both.

Helio, you defiitely have your work cut out for you. These washed up stars are shameless, and limping isn't going to cut it anymore. It's time for you to develop a mild case of laryngitis like you did in Michigan, big guy. You've made us watch this much, so you better do what needs to be done to win the freaking thing.