Liquidation Station

Posted by Iannucci | 2/13/2008 | 17 comments »
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Oreo has added his two cents to the unification sensation sweeping the nation, providing us with the following observation.

Ironically, the four-year history of the limited liability corporation Kalkhoven and Forsythe set up to manage the Champ Car series may end in the same place it was started: federal bankruptcy court. Insiders said they believe Champ Car is considering an emergency liquidation in an effort to pave the way for the IRL to take over as the sole sanctioning body in American open-wheel racing.

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After further investigation involving many unnamed "insiders", My Name Is IRL can now confirm that this is indeed the case. In fact, a hastily assembled video providing for this liquidation of the remaining CCWS assets has been produced to be shown on QVC in a one-hour, tape-delayed broadcast in the very near future. Here is a partial transcript.

RB: Hi folks, Rick Benjamin here along with Jon Beekhuis, welcoming you to the very special Champ Car Unification Liquidation Auction.

JB: Rick it’s great to be here amid some great Champ Car memories. All proceeds from the sales today will be going to some incredible charities, and with any luck will be able to scrape together some money for ourselves.

RB: Let’s start off the show with something special, Jon. It’s a collection of photo submissions from aspiring Grid Girls from around the world. All I can say is Wow!

JB: Submissions, indeed Rick. We don’t have a lot of time so let’s point out this stack of unpaid invoices, all featuring the genuine Champ Car logo. Take some of the babies home and frame them for posterity, or if you like you can actually try to collect on them. Hey, who doesn’t enjoy a good scavenger hunt, right?

RB: Of course! Right next to the paperwork is Paul Tracy’s famous “Nacho Libre” costume. Come on folks, Halloween is just around the corner, and what would be spookier than racing wrestler, or a wrestlin’ racer, or…well, how about maybe just bidding on this pair of glasses left behind by Sebastien Bourdais?


JB: Hey look, here’s an autographed VHS tape of everyone’s favorite racing movie - “Driven”!

RB: Autographed by whom, Jon?

JB: Looks like none other than Chip Ganassi! There's a blast from the past.

RB: Well, it's all gotta go, including this beautiful bottle containing, what’s this say? “Newman’s Own Bitterness”. Folks remember, all proceeds go to charity.


JB: Check out this bucket here. It contains every single remnant from Katherine Legge’s Wild Ride at Road America in 2006, save Ms Legge herself of course. And speaking of Road America, over here’s a deer head. What is that, an 8-point?

RB: I have no idea. Now look over here, friends. Here’s a personally autographed picture by Mrs Doubtfire herself, Mr Robin Williams...oh, wait. This says “Kevin Kalkhoven”. Nevermind.

JB: Now if we look in this closet here friends we can see that this auction will include every single racing uniform ever worn by Oriol Servia. We’ve got Dale Coyne Racing, Newman Haas, Patrick Racing, PKV, Walker, Conquest, Forsythe, PPI…wow, you could form your own series with this Spaniard’s wardrobe!


RB: And for the ladies, here’s some locks of Nelson Phillipe’s hair. Not sure how that ended up here.

JB: Rick, how about this life-size cutout of Michelle Beisner? Hang on – it IS Michele Beisner! Michelle, what are you doing here?

MB: Just helping the cause boys! I’m here to present the feature item.

RB: Hey – is it Robin Miller’s hard card? Oh, what race fan wouldn’t want to hang that on the old Christmas Tree this year?

MB: That’s certainly a worthy item, but here’s something you don’t see everyday – a fully completed DP01! This is the actual prototype folks, not the low-rent, low-budget version that was actually used in Champ Car races. No sir, this right here is a thing of American-made beauty. Auto show only folks, you wouldn’t want to actually drive the thing – you know what I’m saying?

RB: Friends, we’ve got all sorts of memorobilia from four unbelievable years of Champ Car racing. Hundreds of DP01 nose cones, thousands of hero cards from anonymous drivers, a huge stack of “Arizona Grand Prix” merchandise - you name your price and it's yours.

JB: You can even have my own personal copy of Derek Daly’s Great Big Book of Irish Colloquialisms!

RB: Hold on to your Hollyhocks, because it’s all got to go in the name of “unification” and bidding for every item starts at just a buck. Proceeds benefit the Champ Car Wayward Debtor’s Foundation, as well as the Ronald McDonald House. Because unification isn't just a buzzword – it’s for the kids.


  1. Tabernerus // February 13, 2008 9:35 AM  

    Wow. Every now and then, I'm reminded just how far open-wheel racing has fallen in the last decade. Ouch.

  2. Johnny // February 13, 2008 11:14 AM  

    So the Pressdog/My Name Is IRL merger WAS true and Jeff is now doing highly believable satire pieces! I knew this day would come.

  3. mmack // February 13, 2008 11:29 AM  

    Derek Daly’s Great Big Book of Irish Colloquialisms!

    Well well well, hold on to yer' hollyhocks folks! Jeff is in the whiskey again! He's getting DANGEROUSLY squirrelly!


  4. Tabernerus // February 13, 2008 11:50 AM  

    As an aside, I think Bob Varsha and Derek Daly would be a great announcer combo for a merged IndyCar series. They could keep Scott Goodyear to fill the role Bobby Unser had back in the day.

  5. Johnny // February 13, 2008 11:53 AM  

    Varsha can't take the pay cut he'd get hit with if he left SPEED. He does well there, as he should.

  6. mmack // February 13, 2008 11:54 AM  


    Is it possible to get an author autographed copy of the following books via this QVC auction?

    Managing to Win: The Secrets to Conflict Resolution and Cohesive Partner Management, along with Stick to Your Guns! Making Business Decisions and Standing By Them (No Matter WHAT People Say) by Gerald Forsythe

    The Third Time's SURE to be A Charm!: Two Racing Series and How I Helped Kill Them and a copy of Racing After Dark: Tips on Obtaining Sponsorship from the Adult Entertainment Industry by Paul Gentillozi

    Turnaround Tips for Any Troubled Business sounds good, along with Dances With Penguins: An Antarctic Journey by Kevin Kalkhoven

    My wife likes to cook, so is there a copy of Eating Crow: Our 100 Favorite Down Home Recipes for a Bitter Bird By Gordon Kirby, David Phillips, and John Oreovicz?

  7. mmack // February 13, 2008 11:57 AM  

    They could keep Scott Goodyear to fill the role Bobby Unser had back in the day.

    Son, lemme' tell ya', NOBODY can fill the Bobby Unser role but Bobby Unser. :^)

  8. Anonymous // February 13, 2008 1:16 PM  

    Not really sure where this fits, so I'll put it here and see what happens. Like all of you, I've been looking for the answers from all the usual sources and read through Cavin's blog. Did anyone else catch this answer to the question about G. Rahal?

    "Graham will continue to drive for Newman Haas Lanigan if it continues to race open-wheel cars. As for NHL being at a disadvantage, I'm not sure that's the case. The team has won four consecutive Champ Car titles because it's a strong team, and it will soon challenge for the top spots in the IRL, if it chooses to compete."

    Is he holding something back on NHL? Seems like a lot of "ifs" in the statement. Surely they would continue in open-wheel, right? Just curious on the thoughts.

    "SS" Minnow

  9. Tabernerus // February 13, 2008 1:27 PM  

    My guess (on the Newman Haas question) is that Haas previously said they had already committed to Champ Car for 2008, but would be looking at IndyCar in 2009. Since there seems to be a dearth of hard info out there right now, he might just be hedging his bets, making it clear that they're ready to jump into IndyCars right away if that becomes the single series, but making it clear that if tomorrow, Champ Car announces that it has broken off discussions, and is headed to Long Beach as Champ Car, to begin the 2008 season, that Newman Haas will be part of it, as they previously said. If that's the case, it's a refreshing bit of sticking to one's prior statements. Neat. ;-)

  10. SS Minnow // February 13, 2008 1:55 PM  

    Refresing indeed, but the "if it continues to race open-wheel cars" is what concerns me. Just needing a "fixx" on a sloooooooooow day and probably grasping at straws.

  11. Tabernerus // February 13, 2008 3:33 PM  

    So, it looks like nothing tangible on Wednesday. My bad. Maybe they're just busy making each other Valentines? Maybe? Argh.

  12. John // February 13, 2008 3:46 PM  

    Question: Someone's comment (possibly on Furious wedge, or one of the others) suggested checking out to see how the other side feels about all this. So I did. Someone please tell me. Do they live on a different planet, or am I just oblivious and naive? There are claims that Ganassi and Penske are going to abandon AOWR and pursue the "N" word full-time, and AGR is going to abandon for sports cars. None of this makes sense, but it gave me doubts. Roger and Chip are always at the IRL races, rather than the boat races. However, I'm concerned that after the rollout of the new TEAM program, Panther is dropping from a two car operation to a one car operation. Vision from 3 to 1 (although that is TG's team). That's the opposite of what the TEAM program was supposed to do. Could some of these teams be waiting for a potential merger, to see if any new drivers come over and bring sponsors with them? Sorry guys, my mind's been running crazy all day since I read that Champ Car crap.

  13. mmack // February 13, 2008 4:01 PM  


    Do they live on a different planet, or am I just oblivious and naive?

    You're not oblivious, it's a COMPLETELY different planet, with an atmosphere of pure HATRED. Now that the house o' cards that CCWS was is tumbling down, they are turning their rhetorical guns on anything and everything that moves. Think about how a rabid pit bull would react to being repeatedly poked by a sharp stick. That's the mindset over there after weeks and months of bad news.

    Sorry guys, my mind's been running crazy all day since I read that Champ Car crap.

    John, that's why you should stay here. It's safer, and friendlier!

  14. John // February 13, 2008 5:29 PM  

    Thanks for the reassurance mmack. At least I don't have to worry about any races getting canceled, or not even being run. My 500 tickets should be arriving shortly, and I'm getting ready purchase my Kentucky tickets. I've also went to the Chicago race the last couple years, and was thinking of adding a 4th. Anyone here been to Nashville or Mid-Ohio? I was thinking Nashville. Any opinions?

  15. Johnny // February 13, 2008 6:09 PM  

    Haha, not to self promote here, but I have a humorous blog entry that people seemed to dig on Nashville here.

    Long story short, it's a sh*thole. Plus many IRL insiders are saying there may not be a contract in place for it in 2008 and it likely won't run. Look elsewhere.

  16. Anonymous // February 13, 2008 6:40 PM  

    John, go to Mid-Ohio. Gorgeous track and great spectating. Even if you don't like roadracing, it's worth going. It's an ALMS weekend, too. I'm definitely going this year.

  17. Dale Nixon // February 14, 2008 7:47 PM  

    I've been working on completing my ChampCar vs. IRL trading card set and am willing to offer anyone and everyone out there 13 Jan Heylan rookie cards for an Ed CarpenterGeorge and a Scott Sharp update traded series card.