Unofficial Fabricated Release

Posted by Iannucci | 5/12/2008 | 5 comments »
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Hello unified racing fans,

As you probably know I’ve been a bit busy these last few weeks, but I just wanted to take a moment to respond to the recent criticisms here at My Name Is IRL.

First of all I want to point out how totally pumped I was on Pole Day, because I was shocked as anyone to find out that we hard a car that might have had enough speed to crack the Top 11. We all know 8 of those slots are already locked in by Ganassi, Penske and Andretti, so there’s like 30 of us trying to get those final three spots. When I saw Scheckter sitting there with a 223.4-something and I knew we put up a 223.3-whatever and the track was cooling off and I was ready to go. Come on, this is Indy!

Of course I rushed to get my gear together only to find my team didn’t put a fresh pair of Bridge, err, Firestones on the car before getting back in line so there was no point in making a run. As soon as Arute or whoever shoved that mic in my face I let everyone know how disappointed I was and “threw my team under the bus” or whatever it was you said I did. OK, my bad.

But guys, take a moment here and cut me a little slack, please. In case you haven’t heard the announcers say it a billion times I’m still 19, which isn’t an excuse for saying stupid things but it is an explanation for maybe getting a little more frustrated than I should. Not many teenagers have to publicly handle the challenges of the last few weeks that I’ve had. Like say:

• Learning how to drive a new car on a bunch of tracks I’ve never driven.
• Being given some stupid "zero-six" Buckshot Jones-type of number
• Crashing and being held out of my first big oval race.
• Winning in my first official IndyCar race
• Mourning the loss of Davey Evans
• Trying to qualify at Indy with a Champ Car team
• Negotiating the world-famous IMS fence-hangers

Add to these two other things. First, imagine my embarrassment at not be able to spray champagne after my first win. Sure those Brazilian dudes got to party, but all I got was a photo shoot wearing a bunch of hats. Total buzkill there. Then, my big moment at St Pete lasted about a week because once SHE won all anyone wants to talk about is my dad’s former driver. I was hoping with some more publicity I might have a shot at getting a sponsor that wasn’t the charity my boss runs on the side, but as you may have noticed I’m still driving a pretty blank-looking car.

(By the way, great sponsorship packages are still available with Newman/Haas/Lanigan Racing for the remainder of the 2008 season!)

And I know many of you are also angry at the way my dad runs his team and I suppose a lot of you weren’t big fans of his in the first place since he was kinda dull and had those goofy glasses and that crazy mustache. But remember I don’t even drive for the old man so if you’re gonna hate me then please just hate me for stuff I do and not anything he does or doesn't do.

Anyhow, thanks for hearing me out. I’ve already talked with the team and we’re all cool. I promised to use the word “we” more often and they promised to make sure all of the bolts on the car remain secure. Hopefully the rest of the month we (see, I said "we"!) can find great success at this great track.

Thanks to all of my fans here, especially the dude in the awesome shirt.


The Son of ‘Stache

PS – I ain’t growing that mustache. Sorry.


  1. Anonymous // May 12, 2008 9:48 AM  

    PS – I ain’t growing that mustache. Sorry.

    Dear Graham,

    A father and son example:

    Dale Earnhardt Sr. had a most excellent pushbroom under his snout and won Seven Winston Cup Championships, a Rookie of the Year award, and seventy six races.

    His clean shaven son (perhaps you've heard of him), not so many wins, a TWO YEAR points paying race winless streak, and NO Cell Phone Cup Championships, and is now Kyle Busch's punching bag. Note that he has now begun to wear a beard in hopes of regaining his former glory.

    Quick Q: Was your father clean shaven when he won the Indianapolis 500? I think NOT!

    Ponder the Power of The Stache across the generations, young Graham, before it's TOO LATE!

    Your unified racing fan (and My Name is IRL poster),

  2. Anonymous // May 12, 2008 3:05 PM  

    mmmack: this blog is a NASCAb free zone !

  3. Fred Hurley // May 13, 2008 11:08 AM  

    Yeah, we're assuming he CAN grow a 'stache. :-)

  4. Anonymous // May 13, 2008 1:15 PM  

    a 19 that can't grow a mustache has some physical problem.

  5. Fred Hurley // May 13, 2008 1:19 PM  

    Lots of people can't grow facial hair thick enough to not look ridiculous until their mid-twenties. That's why unshaven loutish youth look so ... loutish.