LiveBlog: The unnecessary news conference

Posted by Iannucci | 7/15/2008 | 11 comments »
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And here we are for the "Special Announcement".

7:58 The intrepid Curt Cavin has already spilled the beans.

7:59 Still nothing on the IndyCar front page to click.

8:00 Well, now there’s a big black spot on the front page where the announcement graphic had been. I guess the big announcement is the discovery of a black hole.

8:03 Still nothing but the big black space where presumably something would appear. Something other than a big black space. I’d refresh the page but that could take a while since there’s WAY TOO MUCH stuff on that front page.

8:04 Finally there’s a picture of The Pagoda with a link to click live.

8:05 And here’s a table with four nameplates. “Derrick Walker”. “Paul Tracy”. “Tony George”. Can’t make out the fourth, although I’m certain it doesn’t say “Suspense”.

8:06 Unfortunately there’s still just a table with no people to go with the nameplates.

8:07 Now some gentlemen are walking across the camera view from right to left. I guess the buffet is over on that side.

8:08 A-ha! Here’s Mr George. And Mr Tracy. And Mr Walker. And Mr Can’t Make Out His Name.

8:09 And now I hear the disembodied voice of Mike King. He’s a radio guy so you don’t actually get to see him. He’s probably wearing pajamas, that’s what radio people do.

8:11 The fourth guy is Mark Bamford, representing the Edmonton race.

8:12 Tony George says “we’re very excited” field an entry for Paul. In reality, Mr George doesn’t get “very excited”.

8:13 Mr George continues to speak and all I hear is “your eyelids are getting very heavy, you’re getting very sleepy”. Suddenly a phone starts ringing in the background, snapping me back to consciousness.

8:14 Now Tracy is talking about “running where I’m accustomed to running”. I suddenly notice the giant visage of Scott Dixon on the right side of the video player staring at me, reminding me of where the Iceman is accustomed to running.

8:17 Tracy apparently has a new sponsor, but it hasn’t been announced. I’m holding out that it’s a “hamburger and hot dog” joint like Wienerschnitzel.

8:18 Now over to Derrick Walker, who says of Tracy “I like the fact that he’s bald.” Savvy!

8:19 While Walker speaks Tracy continues to stare off to the left where all of those fellow were heading earlier. That must be quite a buffet they have over there.

8:20 Mark Bamford is now speaking, and he’s clearly Canadian. He’s also more soft-spoken than Mr George so I’m starting to feel sleepy again.

8:21 And here’s Jared, the guy who lost all of that weight Tony Stewart has recently found, from “Subway” to reveal the sponsor. HAHA! No folks, Captain Crunch is certainly NOT driving for hamburgers and hot dogs! OMG!

8:22 OK, the laughing has subsided and now we're back to low-talking.

8:23 Good grief, I can’t possibly watch any more of this. We got a fantastic punchline but otherwise this is just a one-race deal for one driver. If this is Lewis Hamilton or Jeff Gordon I can see the need for the pomp and circumstance, but this is Paul Tracy at Edmonton. Come on. I’m guessing they really, REALLY need to sell some tickets up there in The Great White North if IRL officials feel compelled to call this a “special announcement”.

While they’re still talking (quietly) I’ll leave the quotes to the professional wordsmiths. Congratulations, Paul and Derrick. Canada’s long national nightmare has finally ended.


  1. Jennifer Coomer // July 15, 2008 8:39 AM  

    Well, that was about as exciting as watching Subway toast your bread.

  2. Fred Hurley // July 15, 2008 8:42 AM  


    Tony George may be a great guy, and he may love open-wheel racing, and he may even be very bright, but he couldn't inspire a mouse to eat cheese. Yeesh.

    I'm glad PT's back. Polarizing figures can be good marketing.

  3. Jennifer Coomer // July 15, 2008 8:46 AM  

    Could Derrick Walker, Paul Tracy, & Tony George be any less energetic? Helio needs to run in with some pom poms.

    Talk about poetry. Okay, I really wish that would happen.

  4. Anonymous // July 15, 2008 8:48 AM  

    I like that they busted out Jared at the end.

  5. Anonymous // July 15, 2008 8:51 AM  

    Unless somebody figures out how to clone Danica Patrick, the series needs more "polarizing" types like PT can be.

  6. Anonymous // July 15, 2008 9:18 AM  

    Well, what's left of The Crappies are in a full froth:

    "Oh man this is AWESOME NEWS. Thanks to PT, I now have a reason to watch IndyCar!!


    Let's hope the people of Edmonton aren't as gullible as the race promoter is counting on them being.
    And that those who do go knowing the score bring signs saying "You said you wouldn't drive a crapwagon. You also said you wouldn't drive for hamburgers and hot dogs. So, what'll it be? Brats or Franks, and Harveys or MickeyD's??"

    "Vision Racing is a sound team because it's funded by Tony's white powder itself? That's news to me.

    As much as he has manipulated "race" outcomes before, you'd think he'd be smart enough to be able to favor his own team most of the time.

    Oh, wait. FTG. Smart. Yeah, I'm the one not being smart here by making that assumption.

    Just because a crapwagon has four open wheels doesn't make it any more of a real racecar than a Ford Pinto with an exposed gas tank."

    "Same record, same tune and I'm not buying one ounce of what you're trying to sell. And I bet a lot of people who have known PT a lot longer and a lot better would say different, because he is a good guy and people like that DO get manipulated by agents and freeloaders. You're kidding yourself if you think any different and I would say you are the one who is being naive if you don't think PT lives in a world full of that BS. Celebrities and sports figures - no matter how important, smart or powerful they are - get "used" "mishandled" "cheated" and "bamboozled" all the time for money. They never make a decision without input and persuasion - and most often they don't know they're being manipulated/persuaded - yet somehow their "own decision" always manages to line the pockets of the person who says "I told him not to do it". It's amazing how agents will line their pockets with the blood of their "friends" and for how cheaply. Have you ever read the papers or watched the news?"

    Now I need to rest. My head is spinning.

  7. Anonymous // July 15, 2008 9:32 AM  

    If all involved in this lackluster "Big Annoucement" had taken some valium instead of qualudes before the news conference it may have been more exciting. Sheesh, I nearly fell asleep.

  8. Anonymous // July 15, 2008 12:42 PM  

    Vision racing must have gotten a discount on Yellow paint. Subway is a surprise, that's a pretty big sponsor-guess since it's just one race they're not shelling out a whole lot. Did you not notice one of those people walking across at the start was non other than the spoiler himself, Curt Cavin. Maybe the buffet was Subway party platters...

  9. Fred Hurley // July 15, 2008 12:47 PM  

    "I'm not gonna drive for veggie delights and spicy southwest chicken footlongs!"

  10. Demond Sanders // July 15, 2008 1:20 PM  

    A press conference to announce a one-race deal for a washed up Canuck that most people have never heard of.

    No place to go but up!

  11. Anonymous // July 16, 2008 5:29 AM  

    Maybe they oughta have waited 'till Paul followed the Jared plan for a full year...