Friend finder

In me you see a man alone
Drinking up Sundays and spending them alone
A man who knows love is seldom what it seems
Just other people's dreams.*

Last week the tales of Helio Castroneves IN CHAINS took up most of the air time for IndyCar fans, drowning out a story by Curt Cavin discussing everyone’s favorite dental patient, Mr Dan Wheldon. It seems that Dan’s longtime friend Tony Kanaan is no longer on speaking terms with the Well Done one, and that’s kind of significant since there aren’t a lot of folks to pall around with Dan. I mean, it’s not like Vitor Meira is going be buying the man drinks anytime soon.

As you know Dan’s kind of an all-about-me guy, which is entirely acceptable considering he’s fully confident, talented, outgoing, and possessing of the right shoes for any occasion. Sometimes – OK, lots of times – this just happens to rub people the wrong way, because not everyone is comfortable with his super coolness. And this, dear friends, is a burden that Dan must sadly bear.

Now, as some of you might remember, Dan personally tried to run your humble host down in 2007. No matter now, as I’m sure I’m barely worthy of leaving a mark on the underside of his scooter. In fact, I’ve been thinking about poor Dan, and how he’s got a new wife and a baby on the way, and I completely empathize with the fact that while it’s all lovey dovey with the wife now he’ll soon find himself needing not only to get out of the house but also a friend with whom he can have some manly conversation.

Am I volunteering? Pffffft, not! But I am starting a list of possible folks Dan might be able to ring up, go down to the local pub, and chat up on topics other than soiled diapers, late-night feedings, and lactation issues. Someone who’s not just equally famous, but also enough of an all-about-me guy as well so as not to be threatened by Dan’s aura. Here are some suggestions.

Donald Trump – Billionaire developer, known as much for his shameless self-promotion as he for hating on Rosie O’Donnell.
Talking Points: How to woo famous women, aggressive real estate investment advice, thoughtful opinions relating to hair styling.
Conversational Cul de Sac: Probably not a good idea to strike up a friendship who’s trademark phrase “You’re fired!”

Jack Nicholson – Movie star so uniquely fascinating they give him front row seats to the Oscars every year.
Talking Points: How to woo famous women, creative uses for golf equipment, thoughtful opinions relating to sunglasses.
Conversational Cul de Sac: Not sure how much Dan wants to discuss Kobe Bryant.

Lance Armstrong – World-class cyclist who will also be featured on Versus next summer.
Talking Points: How to woo famous women, rewards of charitable work, thoughtful opinions relating to blood doping.
Conversational Cul de Sac: Lance might be a little too busy to hang out for a beer right now.

Hugh Hefner – Ageless ladies man who lounges about his mansion in silk underwear.
Talking Points: How to woo famous women, insight into publishing, thoughtful opinions relating to photography.
Conversational Cul de Sac: At what point is it no longer cool to be hanging around with 19-year-old girls?

So, any other suggestions? Perhaps Steve Jobs? Bono? Oprah Winfrey?

(*Yes, this is indeed the second Sinatra reference this week. So sue me.)