Friend finder

Posted by Iannucci | 10/10/2008 | 8 comments »
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In me you see a man alone
Drinking up Sundays and spending them alone
A man who knows love is seldom what it seems
Just other people's dreams.*

Last week the tales of Helio Castroneves IN CHAINS took up most of the air time for IndyCar fans, drowning out a story by Curt Cavin discussing everyone’s favorite dental patient, Mr Dan Wheldon. It seems that Dan’s longtime friend Tony Kanaan is no longer on speaking terms with the Well Done one, and that’s kind of significant since there aren’t a lot of folks to pall around with Dan. I mean, it’s not like Vitor Meira is going be buying the man drinks anytime soon.

As you know Dan’s kind of an all-about-me guy, which is entirely acceptable considering he’s fully confident, talented, outgoing, and possessing of the right shoes for any occasion. Sometimes – OK, lots of times – this just happens to rub people the wrong way, because not everyone is comfortable with his super coolness. And this, dear friends, is a burden that Dan must sadly bear.

Now, as some of you might remember, Dan personally tried to run your humble host down in 2007. No matter now, as I’m sure I’m barely worthy of leaving a mark on the underside of his scooter. In fact, I’ve been thinking about poor Dan, and how he’s got a new wife and a baby on the way, and I completely empathize with the fact that while it’s all lovey dovey with the wife now he’ll soon find himself needing not only to get out of the house but also a friend with whom he can have some manly conversation.

Am I volunteering? Pffffft, not! But I am starting a list of possible folks Dan might be able to ring up, go down to the local pub, and chat up on topics other than soiled diapers, late-night feedings, and lactation issues. Someone who’s not just equally famous, but also enough of an all-about-me guy as well so as not to be threatened by Dan’s aura. Here are some suggestions.

Donald Trump – Billionaire developer, known as much for his shameless self-promotion as he for hating on Rosie O’Donnell.
Talking Points: How to woo famous women, aggressive real estate investment advice, thoughtful opinions relating to hair styling.
Conversational Cul de Sac: Probably not a good idea to strike up a friendship who’s trademark phrase “You’re fired!”

Jack Nicholson – Movie star so uniquely fascinating they give him front row seats to the Oscars every year.
Talking Points: How to woo famous women, creative uses for golf equipment, thoughtful opinions relating to sunglasses.
Conversational Cul de Sac: Not sure how much Dan wants to discuss Kobe Bryant.

Lance Armstrong – World-class cyclist who will also be featured on Versus next summer.
Talking Points: How to woo famous women, rewards of charitable work, thoughtful opinions relating to blood doping.
Conversational Cul de Sac: Lance might be a little too busy to hang out for a beer right now.

Hugh Hefner – Ageless ladies man who lounges about his mansion in silk underwear.
Talking Points: How to woo famous women, insight into publishing, thoughtful opinions relating to photography.
Conversational Cul de Sac: At what point is it no longer cool to be hanging around with 19-year-old girls?

So, any other suggestions? Perhaps Steve Jobs? Bono? Oprah Winfrey?

(*Yes, this is indeed the second Sinatra reference this week. So sue me.)


  1. Anonymous // October 10, 2008 12:35 PM  


    Right now there's an ad showing up on your site for an "Asian Friend Finder". Perhaps Danny-Boy can try that site. However, Mrs. Wheldon may not be happy finding out Dan's been looking for some female Asian friends between the ages of 18 and 30.

    Just Sayin'

  2. Iannucci // October 10, 2008 12:37 PM  

    Oh, dear lord.

    Well, maybe we can find Hideki Mutoh a friend instead.

  3. Anonymous // October 10, 2008 1:28 PM  

    He could be friends with Scott Speed and they could share fashion tips.

  4. Anonymous // October 10, 2008 3:38 PM  

    Anyone notice that Kanaan has a problem staying on speaking terms with certain people? First Helio, now Dan...

    He just doesn't have a nose for good manners, I guess.

    *rimshot* I'm here all week, enjoy the veal.

  5. Carrie // October 10, 2008 8:34 PM  

    Not to be nit-picky but it's Dan who stopped speaking to TK. Can't say as I blame him. Easier to keep an eye out for the errant knife aimed at your back when you're not chatting up the person wielding it.

  6. Anonymous // October 11, 2008 2:05 PM  

    does anyone here actually know dan not on a "fan" basis? i'm guessing no.. because when he's not wooing fans, hes kind of a prick.

    lets just say we wont miss him at TCGR.

  7. Anonymous // October 12, 2008 12:17 AM  

    Well I can't tell if your lying because this is the Internet and nobody lies on the Internet.

    Dan's a cool guy, I met him back in 1999 for the first time, and he didn't need to "Woo" me to be his fan, He just seemed like the guy to back, and I've followed him from series to series, and from team to team since then. I'll be his friend if he needs one, but I don't think he's lacking for love at the moment with a new wife, and little baby on the way.

    I'm glad he's back at Panther and away from the Pompous A-holes at TCGR. They let him down a lot more than he let them down.

  8. Anonymous // October 13, 2008 3:23 PM  

    I've been to the Ganassi shop in Indy a few times shortage of a-holes there. Never have been, never will be.