Clearly NASCAR is green with envy

It’s been well over a year so I’m going to go ahead and say the word in just this one post. NASCAR. There. Go ahead and link that baby, Mr Search Engine. Bring the traffic from fans of the “N-Word” series because this will be something they NEED to hear.

I don’t much read USAToday since there’s like 200 words total in each daily publication but my friend Roy Hobbson at The Silent Pagoda indirectly brought this to my attention with his latest post. Not content with claiming ownership of innovations like the SAFER barrier and the HANS device and any number other technological advancements created outside of their series, it appears NASCAR is now attempting to market themselves as, well…just read what Chairman Brian France has to say.

WARNING: THIS IS NOT A PARODY. THESE ARE ACTUAL QUOTES!

"We want to do our part to be a better partner with the environment," France said. "It's really important to our fans, and they've told us that not only are they concerned about preserving the environment, but they're also concerned about high fuel costs, global warming and energy independence."

France said (Dr Mike) Lynch would be tasked with improving the sport's environmental policies to help reduce "this big energy footprint we carry from market to market."

France said going green could help attract more sponsors if an economic recovery is spurred by a renewed focus on environmental policies. He noted the Cup series' four manufacturers all were developing alternative fuel vehicles.

That’s right, NASCAR now cares about the environment. Truly, madly, deeply. What, you don’t believe the forthright and honorable Brian France? You think he names this Dr Lynch guy to be Managing Director, NASCAR Green Innovation just to “attract more sponsors”? You think that just because three of those four manufacturers have been begging for cash before Congress, a Congress told them to make more of those alternative fuel vehicles if they want any loans, that France is just trying to help them out and keep their money in his sport?

You don’t think they’ll be featuring a field full of Priuses anytime soon?

How terribly cynical of you. What about these quotes from France?

It's important to know we embark on this strategy with significant efforts already underway.

Track operators such as International Speedway Corporation and Speedway Motorsports Inc. work diligently on the issue of recycling.

And NASCAR partners such as Goodyear, Safety Kleen and Waste Management -- leaders in their respective industries and environmental ambassadors in their own right -- are setting benchmarks for dedication to keeping NASCAR green.

You see that, you non-believers? NASCAR is “embarking on a strategy”, a strategy that includes significant efforts such as RECYCLING! All of those Bud Light cans at the track will now be placed in DIFFERENT bags from the cheese-stained nacho containers. Why, the energy saved from recycled product left at the Daytona 500 alone could be used to pay for the electricity at France's home all season.

And you know what else? They’re “setting benchmarks”. They’re writing them down this very minute, possibly even on recycled paper products. And as for Goodyear, why just this last August they distributed enough used tire product to practically seal the racing surface at Indianapolis Motor Speedway.

But that’s not all, friends. France has decided that embarking on these “significant efforts” aren’t enough – they need to be viewed through the prism of competition.

The IndyCar Series runs ethanol in its cars, but France indicated NASCAR's green initiatives wouldn't be competition-based in the near future.

"We're trying to be out front industry-wide, not just like some of our competitors of plopping a different fuel in and calling it green strategy," France said. "That doesn't hit any marks we'd consider important.

"We certainly hope that green technologies will be a big part of a new economy. We hope as new technologies need to market themselves, they'll find a cooperative, friendly place in NASCAR to do just that."

That’s right, Mr Tony George; IndyCar is now “some of our competitors”. Let it now be told that battle in the The Great Green War has indeed been engaged.

Two years ago the IndyCar series DARED to run their cars on 90% fuel grade ethanol, then 100%, and now they’re transitioning towards sugar-based ethanol instead of corn, progressing towards using even more sources. And what was NASCAR doing this time? Switching to “Unleaded”, thank you very much.

Oh, you think IndyCar is more friendly to the environment? You don’t see how exactly a series that runs more events with longer races with more cars (heavier cars, even) can attempt to claim the mantle of “Environmentally Friendly Racing"? You’d be surprised. Friends, NASCAR has already taken numerous additional steps to make their series more environmentally friendly.

• Restrictor plates. Forget racing for maximum speed at super speedways like Daytona and Talladega. With these handy gadgets we can curtail speed and make sure everyone drives bumper to bumper and drafts for maximum fuel efficiency – at a lower RPM to boot!

• Reducing car counts. Not only will 35 or 40 cars burn less fuel at a race, but having less than 43 cars guarantees that ALL practice laps will be strictly used for competitors only. No more of these teams that show up, burn some unleaded trying to qualify, then don’t even make the race.

• Reducing off-season practice laps. Hey, you, with the trailer full of flashy sedans with the sticker headlights heading towards Phoenix. You stop right there, mister, and park those gas-guzzlers and start conserving right now!

• Green-white-checkered finishes. By guaranteeing an entire two laps of full throttle racing, NASCAR officials have given themselves the opportunity to add innumerable yellow flag laps to every race, thus reducing overall emissions by race cars significantly.

• Changing Junior’s sponsorship. Budweiser, red. Amp Energy Drink, green!

NASCAR is dead serious about winning The Great Green War, people. IndyCar may think they’ve got the upper hand with their use of ethanol, and partners like Honda who have zero landfill waste and Firestone who use lead-free weights, but NASCAR is already strategically planning with every yellow flag in their arsenal to win this contest. In fact, they may even take the drastic step of eliminating the Truck series altogether. Now just stop and think for a moment how much in emissions THAT will reduce.

That, my friends, is how serious NASCAR is about protecting the environment. Now if any of you green types would please consider bringing them your sponsorship they promise to continue embarking on their strategy for as long as the checks keep clearing.