Welcome to Canada, eh?
Here at My Name Is IRL World Headquarters we will be eagerly awaiting the start of the Rexall Edmonton Indy since this is a street course featuring a dreaded First Turn of Infinite Doom. Heightening the tension is the fact that not only is the Chrome Horn (seriously, his web site even claims the name) back in action, but he's starting next to The Princess herself.
Remember, the sponsor's name sounds like "Wrecks All". Just saying.
0: Gene Simmons will give the command. Loudly. Meanwhile P2 just asked "Who's Gene Simmons?" Why, Jeff Simmons's dad, of course.
0: There's no Race Control feature this weekend. Bummer. I was looking forward to hearing Danica's first ever Paul Tracy commentary.
1: And we are green...and Graham Rahal is in the grass. Not good for the car carrying the same sponsorship as the race. Looks like the suspension is toast after getting together with some unknown red and white car.
2: Same top 5 as when we started. Briscoe, Helio, Servia, Dixon, Power. Highest AGR car is Marco in 12th.
4: Briscoe makes a mistake and gets passed by Helio, who hasn't won in like 16 months. Let's all beat that horse to death.
5: Paul Tracy is up to 11th after starting 16th. Somewhere at the track Meesh is smiling proudly.
7: Will Power had dropped back to 13th and now he's pitting. I apologize for jinxing him with the "favorite" tag.
8: And Power is back in the pits. Turns out he's got a bent wishbone on his Dallara. Eight laps in and this race for him has indeed been "the pits".
11: This race is 95 laps. How odd. I guess we lost 5 laps in the Canadian exchange.
13: Lots of coverage of Paul Tracy, now in 10th. Interview package. More coverage. He's the new Danica.
14: Speaking of Danica, she's up to 12th. I know this because I'm following with the IndyCar.com Timing & Scoring, not because ESPN has mentioned it. Yes, things are definitely done differently up North.
18: Townsend Bell hits a bump and slides but somehow keeps the car from stalling. Nice work there!
19: Full course yellow (ugh!) as Vitor has introduced the front of his car to a tire barrier. Speaking of the front of the car, those vertical flaps on the front wings do indeed look like cattle guards on a train. Those need to go along with the fuel setting knob. Please.
20: Helio, Briscoe, Servia, Dixon, Wilson. Of note, Tony Kanaan is up to 17th after starting at the back due to an engine replacement.
21: Free Canadian Bacon in the pits, so there go most of the competitors. Looks like Helio, Briscoe, Dixon, Servia and Wilson lead the way out. Camara seems to have lost a tire on exit. Tony Kanaan tried that move at Homestead, and he is Camara's mentor.
22: "Link" says Paul Tracy's car looks like his sponsor should be John Deere. Interesting observations.
23: Marco, Kanaan and Rice are leading since they didn't pit. We'll see how that strategy works out.
24: We're still yellow. Stop the insanity!
25: Finally back to green. Mercifully. Helio quickly goes around Buddy for third. Apparently Helio is the only driver capable of passing others while on camera.
28: Eminem has some bent suspension, or as Scott Goodyear says "That's what we call Canadian discombobulation". Check out Scotty getting witty!
29: Full course yellow again as Hideki Mutoh spins and seriously damages his car on impact with a tire barrier. Yes, his car is damaged (damaged) damaged (damaged) ... So how they gonna fix it, fix it, fix it?
30: Kanaan and Buddy pit but Marco does not. He's using the force.
34: We go green and Helio busts out his own Jedi in passing Marco to reclaim first place in the first turn.
38: And now Briscoe goes around Marco, who still has not made a pit stop. He may be trying to make this race on one pit stop, so we'll see what happens.
40: Nevermind. Marco finally pits, moving Dixon to third. Helio, Briscoe Inferno, Dixon, Servia, Wilson. Wheldon sneaks up to 6th.
41: P1 asks "Does Dixon have a blue car today? Why are they showing his '9' with blue?" Nothing gets past her. She's ready to call production for ESPN.
43: Bernoldi is in 7th, Paul Tracy has climbed to 8th. Meesh is probably getting silly.
44: Brienne Pedigo tells us Danica's pit crew is "yelling at her to let Tony Kanaan by." Danicker is having none of that. Feeling the AGR love.
49: Another full course yellow as Townsend Bell goes wide and finds himself a tire barrier. The Delphi Safety team is there to help, and might I point out those orange uniforms complement the William Rast car quite nicely.
51: Who's thirsty for Ethanol? The leaders all pit but several others stay out.
51: Mario Dominguez, you have a tire in Turn Two. Three-wheeled driving is not allowed, senor.
52: This just in: Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban is not interested in owning an IndyCar team.
55: We finally restart and Kanaan leads with AJ Foyt IV in second. Quattro in second on a street course. Believe it.
56: "We hear that Ryan Briscoe apparently spun and dropped back". Replay shows Wheldon dive-bombs Ed Carpenter, who nudged over into Briscoe. The Inferno is now in 17th but still running.
57: Meanwhile, Kanaan also spins and loses position so that means Quattro is leading. A street race. There's nothing real in the world anymore. Does it even matter who is behind him? It's Kanaan, Dixon, Rice, Helio trailing Foyt.
58: We go to commercial, but when we come back Foyt is now in third. Order is restored to the universe.
60: Full course yellow for Rahal, sponsored by "Wrecks All". Replay shows Viso brutally sideswiped him into a tire barrier. EJ continues to win friends and influence people.
62: Kanaan and Foyt pit, probably for the last time today. Now it's Iceman, Helio, Nariz, Well Done, and (drumroll) the Chrome Horn. Meesh is gasping for air.
64: Son of 'Stache is saying "Viso and Moraes don't even belong here. They're out of control." Vitor Meira would buy Rahal a beer, but he's not old enough to consume alcoholic beverages. Jenkins follows up the interview by telling us Viso will
re-acquire the mumps be held in the pits for 15 seconds by the IHJ.
65: Back to green and Bernoldi spins. Excellent choice of drinking term if I do say so myself. Up at the front Tracy moves into 4th.
78: Not much happening...until Marco drives into the rear tire of Mrs Hospenthal, sending her spinning and damaging his front wing. What!?! So much for teamwork. Marco pits and Danica gets refired. Indeed.
80: Meanwhile, Helio continues to trail Dixon by less than a second. Can't pass him though, and whoever is in third (Wheldon?) is way way back.
81: Looks like Wheldon had to brake to not hit Marco, and Servia ran right into the back of him damaging his wing. What looked to be a good day for KV will be anything but.
82: We are timed, with 8 mintues to go, so why show racing when you can go to commercial. Ack! Is it me or does that guy stalking the woman in the Edmonton commercial look like that creepy Brad Dourif dude?
84: No offense to Dixon, but is there anyone NOT hoping Helio can pass him in the remaining 6 minutes?
85: Well if there is you'll be pleased to know Helio just had to brake hard after losing it going into Turn One. He's still racing in 2nd but he drops way back behind Dixon.
87: Dixon, Helio, Wilson, Servia (still out there with the damaged wing), Tracy. Probably not going to be much of a change there in the next 3 minutes.
89: Oh, Canada! With 15 seconds left Marty Roth spins out and stalls in his homeland. He was thisclose to finishing a road/street race.
91: Dixon takes the checkered flag, and everyone here at the World Headquarters comments using the word "boring" towards another win. No love for the Iceman here today. P1 even asks "Is Dixon cheating?" Hush, child.
Congratulations to Dixon for his 216th win of the year. Helio finishes second again. Wilson will join them for his first podium. And lo and behold Tracy gets around Servia late for fourth. Meesh is unconscious.
Servia finishes 5th and moves ahead of Marco for 8th in the points. Highest position of any non-"Big Three" driver. Also Darren Manning is 10th, so that's four straight Top 10s for Danger Mouse.
Danica finishes in 18th, one spot behind Marco. If she wants to have a talk with him after the race she doesn't have far to stomp.
Thanks again to Bob Jenkins for showing us how it's done. He even did the impossible today by getting Scott Goodyear to lighten up a bit. In fact, I didn't hear a single "enough downforce to fly upside down" or "one thing to catch but another to pass" or "just a passenger" today. Hooray!
That's it from here, so have a nice weekend. Thank you very much, and good night.
Welcome to Canada, eh?